One Dude's View

Hey ladies,

I can think of relatively few hours of television more devoid of redeemable qualities than the red carpet pre-show to the academy awards.  That said, I definitely tuned in and watched the entire thing. 

I’m not sure if I was more entertained by seeing the parade of stars on their big night or the small army of largely characterless hosts letting me know what was exciting about the parade of stars on their big night.  Every time I verged on an independent opinion as to why Gwyneth Paltrow looked stunning, or how Angelina Jolie’s infinite slit would have looked sexier with a sandwich, someone intervened to tell me what was actually happening in the world of fashion.

But who cares what the experts think?  Fashion, even high fashion, is essentially public art. Hell, even if you can’t afford a designer dress, you can afford to look at someone else in one.  That’s what the red carpet is really about.  This year, the hosts used Twitter to determine who was the #bestdressed celeb of the night.  At one point they revealed what the public was talking about and coming in at number three was Miss Piggy!  It was one of the highlights of the entire night!  Some of the most glamourous women on the planet were walking in and the world was talking about Miss Piggy!

And why not talk about Miss Piggy?  She looked great!  Her choice of a shimmering silver gown with matching silver accessories was a perfect extension of her personality.  She shone like a star, which is exactly they way Miss Piggy likes it.  Everything about her screamed ‘Um, Excuse me, aim the spotlight over here please!”

  A lot of the stars looked like completely different people.  Sure, they looked like really pretty different people, but different people just the same.  If you ask me, fashion is, ultimately, a form of self-expression.  The dress should say something about the person it it.

Miss Piggy’s shimmer and Sacha Baron Cohen’s flamboyant military garb (and bodyguard accessories) were the best things I’ve seen on the red carpet since Bjork’s swan dress.  Personality always wins.

  Stay beautiful ladies!

Hey Ladies,

Holes aren’t just the sexiest part of a doughnut (for argument’s sake, let’s just ignore jelly/creme filled doughnuts and apple fritters for a moment…do fritters count as a doughnut?).  Holes add a certain je nais se quoi to your jeans, shirts, skirts, scarves, saxophones and myriad breathing apparatuses.  For now, however, I’m just going to focus on jeans.

A well loved pair of jeans with a few tears and frayed edges are absolutely fantastic.  Nearly every time denim frays, and the loose strings stretch across a divide of flesh in imperfect spider webs, an angel gets its wings.

This fashion advice, however, like the US constitution, is flawed and requires some amendments in order to be remotely beneficial to society.

1)  Holes put in jeans by a designer have no soul.  The beauty of holes comes from a number of things, one of which is the sense of history and adventure.  Designer holes only communicate a sense that someone paid too much for their jeans.

2) Keep holes off holes. Holes in the knee are awesome.  A few holes up and down the leg also rock.  Holes over the bathing suite region are a swinging red flag indicating the moment at which a pair of jeans should be retired to the paint clothes bin.  

3)  Fact: holes reduce the natural insulating attributes of denim.  If you have a kick ass pair of torn up jeans, they automatically become less kick ass when there’s a foot of snow on the ground.  This one may seem obvious, but the line between fashion and function is so blurred that it routinely results in people doing dumb shit.

Alright, ladies, rock those naturally occurring holes in your favorite pair of jeans.  I’ll leave you with an image of a hole to end all holes.

Stay beautiful ladies!